my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
