Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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