he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
