I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
