I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
