i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
