Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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