Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
