the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
