You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
