my soul wont recognize me after tonight
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
