You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
