The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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