I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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