Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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