I will die if light touches me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
