Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he was CRYING into my vagina
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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