i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize