Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
