the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize