If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
