I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
