Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
