I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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