There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
