I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
