Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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