you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize