It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
