They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
