she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
