She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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