kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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