Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
