I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
