Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
