you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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