Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize