none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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