Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize