No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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