good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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