Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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