Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
