wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
