Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize