you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
