There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
