My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
