Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
