I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize