Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
