i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
