As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
