I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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