watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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