you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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