she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You can't motorboat a personality
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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